Three years ago, today was THE. WORST. DAY. of my life.  Actually, the last and final day of the worst three days of my life.  I sat in a hospital room with my family and watched my entire world shatter into a million pieces as my mom took her last breaths, and I couldn’t do a single thing to stop it. 

My mom was the best friend I ever had, even when I didn’t know it.  I could write a thousand pages and it would still never be enough to describe her and what she meant to me.  She was my home.  The string that tied me to the world.  Everything strong I have in me is from her.  She was a force of nature.  She taught me to breathe fire.  She loved me so completely and unconditionally.  Nobody loves you like your mom loves you and losing her felt like I was the one dying.  Like her last breath blew out the fire in me, and everything went dark.

But even in the dark, time still passes.  Even when we don’t want it to.  When we can’t imagine that the world can still turn, it does.  And, slowly, I dragged myself through the darkness of living my days without her.  Some days it was all I could do to just simply exist.  As time went on and months passed, I fumbled my way around and began adjusting to my new normal.  Grief is different on everyone.  For me, it took me a solid 15 months before I went my first day without crying a single tear.  It was around this time that I started realizing that even though I didn’t have my mom around to love me, she had taught me exactly how to love myself.  I could believe in myself the way she believed in me.  I needed to, because I was the only one who knew exactly what that felt like. 

That realization was what pushed me to make the jump and start my own business.  I decided to believe in myself the way my mom believed in me.  I thought about what my biggest supporter and cheerleader would say if she were still here with me and it was “Go for it.  Do what’s going to make you happy.”  She was fearless and expected that same fearlessness from me.  So, I found it in me and went for it.    Almost two years later the LLC is doing well and business is steadily growing.  I still think of my mom constantly, especially when a project is completed or something new and exciting happens.  I wish that I could share it with her and see the enjoyment she always had when she was proud of something I did. 

This blog is yet another adventure I’ll be taking on without her by my side.  But I know that I have her with me in my heart as I journey through the rest of my life, and I know that I want that life to be as positive and fulfilling as possible.